It’s crude of me to be feeling so frustrated and poisonous during the weekend where we celebrate unity and all things that we are thankful for. I guess it’s just my own failures paired with bad timing that kind of set off the negative mood. Anyways, though this is something that I feel like we all do tend to agree on and give thanks for, this year, more than ever, I am thankful to be alive in this moment. Through the countless hours I spend on my guilty pleasure show, Grey’s Anatomy, one day the ephemerality of our lives finally hit me. In the sob fest episodes, a patient undergoes an operation and try to be comforting to their loved ones. Then as time passes, they never return. Sometimes I feel like we treat our lives as something we possess, but the reality is that our next second is not in our command to occur. Though this slightly morbid epiphany hasn’t urged me to live a radical faith for God, which is something I’m working on, I do feel the difference the understanding creates in my way of thinking. I’ve looked to planning for the future less, and every time I catch myself feeling the pressure of what’s ahead, I can remind myself to be thankful that I’m still living and breathing. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for me; I could literally finish typing this post and die. Yet, Paul’s words still resonate in my ears, “For to live is Christ and to die is gain”. Suddenly, a part of me has begun to look forward to that dying part.
Last Sunday when we were praying over the passing of Jeff’s friend at the Stony KCF, I sensed a somber mood in the air. But the truth was, in that moment, my heart began to be jealous over that young man’s impeccable joy right now. He gets to be in the presence of the living, breathing God. Along with that, my heart filled with joy for the loss of his earthly life. Unlike the rest of us here, he doesn’t have to struggle with fleshly and spiritual desires, because his flesh is no longer here. Sometimes I wished that Jesus would come in our lifetime, so that I no longer have to endure the possible trials and troubles of this world, but can be at peace with Him. I feel as though I am now completely ok with the idea of dying. I wish this realization pushed me to seize each moment to lead a radical life for Christ, but it’s produced a different effect. Instead, I live each day as I would, as though I was oblivious of my short-lived status. If God chooses to take me home in the next year, it’s something I don’t want to know ahead of time. This may be confusing, but yes, I would not change the way I live, because let’s face it, none of us knows when we’re actually going to expire. But it’s certainly made me more thankful for my life, more thankful for the ground that my feet touches, for the world I get to immerse myself in. I’m starting to see God’s blessing more and more each day, and with it, I’m beginning to be more thankful to the God over all.