A bit dazed
Currently watching All-Star Game, AL up 1-0. I miss LA, although I really have no memory of it, there’s a strange feeling of being homesick. It’s something I still need to pray about, but thinking about going to school in Cali just feels so right. I guess I’ve thought about what I wanted to do for a while in terms of college & beyond, and the more I think about it, the more anxious I get. Mom and I had another talk yesterday in the car ride home. She’s always expressed a hope for me to earn some sort of license or have some sort of medical training. I get that there’s “practical use” to having those abilities, and science has always been a fairly easy subject for me, but I knew that if I was going to do that for the rest of my life, I would not be a happy camper.
I understand that a lot of people nowadays go down that road because it’s “economical”, if I held any sort of interest in that field, maybe I would’ve taken that chance. I feel like my heart still belongs somewhere else; my creative juices does not allow me to work in a structured atmosphere in the long run. Since The Shawshank Redemption, I’ve been waiting for my chance to tell a story and change people’s perspective. It’s my hope that the story I get to tell is that of Christ and His love for us. There’s so many ways the media can influence the world, it’s notorious for sending off the wrong messages, but that can easily be changed. I’m still struggling to find a way to express what I feel to my mom in a way that she would finally understand.
I get that financially speaking, communications/film production isn’t the most stable career, but I believe that God didn’t make me so I can regurgitate formulas and concepts to “save lives”; I believe that God made me to create, and to communicate to others things that really matter to SAVE LIVES. I am aware of the kind of obstacles I’m putting in front of myself, I’ve had the same talk with my science research teacher when I dropped out of the course; it’s going to be harder and more competitive for me to find success. I’m not trying to disparage the medical field, I just feel that after years of slight pressure from teachers, I cannot sit comfortably and say that it’s what I love to do. At the end of the day, it is still Him that I love, and it’s still a story about His heart that I want to tell.
“Hey you could you analyze my state of mind, my state of mind
What did you recognize, what did you find, what did you find?”