I’ve spent so much of my time listening to other people and trying to help them think of ways to grow. This summer is undoubtedly one of the better ones. I’m not doing much, but I’m feeling productive and developing better habits to prepare myself for college. However, in the midst of all these meetings, Bible studies, and praying, I feel empty. Not in the sense that I don’t feel anything, but it’s that I see things happening, and am processing them, but I don’t feel their relevance to me. It’s a little bit hard to explain in words, but I just think I need to be broken again. I honestly don’t know where my heart is, because while I’m reading Acts and Proverbs everyday, I’m bothered by how easily it is for me to becoming impatient and unloving throughout the day. Yet I start and end my day in God. How does that even make any sense? Perhaps a part of me is trying to prepare myself for the culture shock that I will eventually encounter at college, but instead of feeling well-equipped and armed, I read the word and think to myself, “Ok, that was cool. What’s next?” There’s no sense of urgency to grow in Christ.
Thing is I can’t even tell if my faith is stagnant, which is the worst part. Because if it really was then I would feel a sense of urgency to do something about it. I don’t know if I’m moving forward, or if I’m just standing still (honestly there isn’t such a thing, so I might even be moving backwards). A lot of things I’m trying to process don’t even make sense to myself, I just know that I need to feel broken again.
One thought on “Stagnant”
During the C&C discussion on a chapter of “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality”, The author, Peter Scazzero mentioned 6 stages of faith. Stage 1: Life-Changing Awareness of God, Stage 2: Discipleship (Learning), Stage 3: The Active Living (Serving), Stage 4: Journey Inward, Stage 5: Journey Outward (From my inner life), Stage 6 Transformed into Love. I think that you are within Stage 4 and have reached the “Wall” since you are about to head off to college and become even more independent. You should ask Jeff for the book so you can read it, it’s chapter 6. When we were going through this, I immediately remembered the issue you were blogging about.
Segment from the chapter: The Christian disciplines that have served us up to this time “no longer work,” We can’t see what God is doing and we see little visible fruit in our lives. This is God’s way of rewiring and “Purging our affections and passions” that we might delight in his love and enter into a richer, fuller communion with him.
It would be best if you read the chapter yourself and if you want to talk about it feel free to talk to me.