I’ve spent so much of my time listening to other people and trying to help them think of ways to grow. This summer is undoubtedly one of the better ones. I’m not doing much, but I’m feeling productive and developing better habits to prepare myself for college. However, in the midst of all these meetings, Bible studies, and praying, I feel empty. Not in the sense that I don’t feel anything, but it’s that I see things happening, and am processing them, but I don’t feel their relevance to me. It’s a little bit hard to explain in words, but I just think I need to be broken again. I honestly don’t know where my heart is, because while I’m reading Acts and Proverbs everyday, I’m bothered by how easily it is for me to becoming impatient and unloving throughout the day. Yet I start and end my day in God. How does that even make any sense? Perhaps a part of me is trying to prepare myself for the culture shock that I will eventually encounter at college, but instead of feeling well-equipped and armed, I read the word and think to myself, “Ok, that was cool. What’s next?” There’s no sense of urgency to grow in Christ.
Thing is I can’t even tell if my faith is stagnant, which is the worst part. Because if it really was then I would feel a sense of urgency to do something about it. I don’t know if I’m moving forward, or if I’m just standing still (honestly there isn’t such a thing, so I might even be moving backwards). A lot of things I’m trying to process don’t even make sense to myself, I just know that I need to feel broken again.