Mama hasn’t been feeling well lately, and although I’m sure things will just pass, what the future has in store may be something I am not prepared for. I know I’m supposed to help out with stuff around the house, but sometimes I’m just so tired and Mama gets to it before I do. She used to ask us what we would do if one day she just crashed and can’t work anymore, and although I understood what she was getting at, I never felt completely motivated enough to help ease her burden in the long run. Sometimes I feel like I take what Mama does for us for granted, it’s true that she can be a little sloppy and careless sometimes, but I really felt the difference during the days that she was away. I have always wondered where she gets her energy to balance her career, being a mother, being a wife, and being a pastor’s wife.
I worry about Dad too. On the days of combined Sunday services, I always end up noticing how skinny Dad looks. There’s an uncanny resemblance to Gramps in the way I see him, so much so that it almost scares me. Gramps was perhaps the most caring and loving person I knew in my life, and seeing him go this February was not an easy thing. But Gramps was sometimes stubborn and physically fragile; Dad is like that too. I watched him turn into the lightest person in the family, and I watched him become restless and tired easily. Every combined Sunday, I always find myself whispering to Jeff, “Dad looks so skinny”. He doesn’t play sports with us as much anymore, and he’s slowed down in a lot of the things that he does. Yet his love and care for us and his church have never died. When we stay out late and it feels like we don’t “care” about our family, and when the church is unresponsive, Dad kept pouring out his resources for us.
I guess I haven’t been praying for them as much as I should have either. This is perhaps another way that God is forcing me to relinquish control over my life, because this is one part of my life that I cannot control. God, I know that sometimes you have to pry to get things out of my hands. But I will trust you with my parents, and although I am scared for the future and I am not the most helpful daughter, I know that You have everything under control.
“You cry yourself to sleep while you bury your emotions inside
And earthed yourself too deep and a part of you is starting to die…
…So you try to save yourself
could you rescue somebody else?
Hold tight, it’ll be alright
Reach for the light at the end of the dark
Hope is alive…“
TBT//Reach for the Light