Defensive II

Today was a long day. First we were stuck in traffic as we raced to New Jersey for the FTCCNY inter-churches softball tournament. It’s been years since we last played in that tourney, and this year we were barely able to scrap together a team in a very last-minute fashion. We arrived just in time for the games to start, so thank God for that! I ran into KLaw there (he was playing for Newtown Church) so I guess that made me feel a bit more comfortable about the whole thing. The events leading up to our eventual registration was a bit chaotic. Anyways, after losing both games (the first loss is still bothering me because we really SHOULD HAVE won), we came back to Queens for a church BBQ at a friend’s house.

At the BBQ there were some adults who wanted to ask some of us to play the piano for them. Now I was never directly approached, but when someone else who was called suggested that I play, I may have declined in a less-than-polite way. Apparently a lady later told my mom that, “You’re daughter doesn’t seem to like being called on to help play piano”, because she saw me laughing when they called my brother. I have to be honest, I was a bit offended by what was said, because I was laughing at something else that happened and the whole thing was taken out of context. I understand how she may have misinterpreted my intentions, but you CANNOT approach my mother about it. I have admitted recently that I wasn’t proud of how I approached service in the past, but these statements aren’t making it any easier for me to change. To make matters worse, my mom used the subject to talk about something else that was of a complete different topic. I know her intentions weren’t to attack me, but based on what has happened in the past, of course I became defensive.

In a turn of events, my mom assumed that I didn’t understand her point and kept repeating herself to me. She compared the differences in my brother’s reactions and my reactions. One of the few things that frustrates me about mom is that I feel like a lot of times she’s slow to listen and quick to speak. I keep defending myself because I felt that she didn’t get my whole picture; that feeling came about because like a broken record, she kept telling me the same thing time after time. I really appreciate the reminders, because we all really need those, but reminders should just be reminders, one shouldn’t have to start all the way from the beginning of the story/explanation to remind someone of something. A lot of times I feel like I’m suffocating inside church work is not because I don’t want to do it, it’s because each time I am being asked to do something and I have to think about it before responding, I am pressed with the constant pressure to just help. It’s a vicious cycle to be stuck in, because I just burn out in the end, pick myself up and start all over again. I don’t want to go back to the way my attitude was before, but learning to be humble also means I accept that they were right, when in fact, they weren’t.

Honestly, right now, all of this is just venting to blow off steam. It’s just frustrating because it feels like I’ve finally started to come around, but then someone was right there to kick me back down. In a lot of occasions, I learn to bite my tongue and hold the frustration inside. I really don’t think that’s healthy in any sense, but when church service is involved, it means that my father is involved too. A lot of times I feel like I become defensive for family. At this point, I am still looking forward to getting the heck out of here as soon as I can. I know it’s not the most responsible thing to do, considering the state church is currently in. But I’m really sick and tired of people not cutting me any slack. When I do right, it feels like people don’t respond because I’m “supposed to” of who I am; and when I do wrong, all of a sudden Pastor Yu’s kids has a lot of changing to do. This entire mentality came about from when I was little and I realize how my childhood really messed me up in a sense.

When I told my mom that I wanted to major in communications, she asked me to reconsider because she didn’t feel like I was any good at communicating with other people. I think sometimes people expect too much from me; or they expect me to operate a certain way. Since I was little, I felt like I was confined to fit my entire self into a model. A lot of times it just feels like my every action is observed under a microscope. I really don’t know how Jeff does it. Maybe because he’s been away and back. I haven’t left yet. Only God knows the mess that’s within me; it’s just so annoying when people assume things from the outside. I might be guilty of doing this to others too, but I assume because they haven’t proved to me that they’ve changed. Maybe I haven’t proved to them I’ve changed either.

Dammit, I hate my own logic.

“To survive, I criticize other people that I’ll never be

The truth is, I bruise to easily…”

Tim Be Told//Analyze