I held a very informal leaders meeting at my house today. Originally everyone said they would be able to make it, but this afternoon like 4 of them texted me saying they weren’t able to come. I’m not trying to make them feel guilty for saying this, but it would’ve been nice(r) to have everyone there. Honestly, I didn’t have anything planned, I was hoping that they would just be able to open up and we can just fellowship. I took out the box of treasures I inherited from the previous leaders and we briefly went through some of the stuff. There were several quite moments where we kind of just sat in silence not knowing what to do, but for the most part I made sure that I shared with them some of the things we did in the past, and at the same time give them snippets of what’s to come. I tried to get them to have some input but at this point it seems like they are a bit reserved because they are treading in unfamiliar territory.
Truth be told, it didn’t dawn on my until moments earlier that although I was part of leadership this year, I’m still not entirely sure what I’m doing. It could very well be the devil’s way of playing with my confidence, but at the same time it feels very strange for me to be in this position. It’s all a learning experience I guess.
I got to Flushing around 7AM this morning, and I sat around in Paris Baguette for about an hour doing some reading. I felt pretty good walking to work this morning. Then I spent most part of the day trying desperately to get the kids’ attention, and soon I was finding myself feeling drowsy and tired. I don’t think it was anything serious, but today I was feeling very out of it, as was my helping teacher. I think I just need a break; it’s been a long time coming since the last time I was able to really rest. During lunch time, I retreated to eat with the other TAs in the basement because I really couldn’t handle the noise. For days now, I’ve changed my approach of the kids. I’ve tried to be more like one of them; sitting at the tables with them doing the work; engaging in conversations and interacting with them during break time. The most ironic thing is, the more I allow myself to be like them, the more restless I feel. I haven’t given myself a break in a long time; my summer schedule is pretty darn ambitious.
Maybe this is how God is forcing me to turn to prayer. I would really rather it happen another way, but hey, whatever works right?