“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

I think I finally understand what Jesus felt at the Garden of Gethsemane. For years I’ve been praying this prayer whenever I encounter a difficulty. Only tonight did I see it in a different light. Since the beginning of the school year, I have felt pretty burden free, especially about Seekers. I knew that there would be bumps along the way, and I knew that in the end, the battle would be won. But what I am afraid of going through now is the process. For a while now, I’ve been anticipating that decline I knew that was going to happen. The period of time where I start to doubt and stress and stuff.

I think in trying to avoid a repeat of last year is turning this into a repeat of last year; but on a different level. Right now I feel like I’m stuck in the same position as a year ago. Only this time, my decision would really affect a lot of different things. I wish I had the heart to quit certain things; I wish I didn’t invest so much of myself into so many different things. With stuff like this, God has to force a way to take control. So here I am, praying this prayer again. I’m not as desperate this time, but I’m starting to recognize why Jesus prayed this way. And in a sense, being able to identify with him this way makes what is coming even harder. I realize that I can either make a big sacrifice, or take a giant leap of faith. Either way I’m sure God will use it for good. The only question is, what do I choose to do?

And then here is where that prayer comes in. Not by my will, but YOURS.

Not mine, but Yours.


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