I’ll be honest, a lot of stuff that has been going on in my head and my life just sucks. Period. Thinking about college is just crazy stress; a rather strange problem with Seekers came up that would require very careful planning and approach; and the start of our fall softball tryout will probably drain me out physically because I really haven’t been too active lately. My family attended 4 funerals in the span of two weeks for church members. I’ve been sleeping less and less and waking up more exhausted than ever. I sit in classes and struggle to stay awake and pay attention. From the outside looking in, I would wish I wasn’t where I am.
There’s a saying that I absolutely love and Starfield so conveniently used it as one of their CD titles, “Beauty in the Broken”. This weekend was insanely stressful. Or it should have been. Without going into details, this is a portion of my life that I wish I could have fast-forwarded. But just think about what I would have missed if I had done that. Today while attending Naomi’s father’s funeral, I looked and realized how much of an impact his death had on so many of our lives. Although his interactions with the YG was never that much, seeing how they reacted today made me feel so at peace. All I had at the funeral was just the sniffles. Although it broke my heart to see Naomi and her family grieving the loss of their beloved, feeling their great hope in what’s to come was very encouraging. As soon as we came out of the funeral home, I saw Sharon come out in tears. Right then and there, she broke me. And although it was a sad moment, knowing the type of impact they felt really made me smile. This is what a church community looks like. After our delayed service, we had a surprise visit from no other than Sunroot. I guess each time I see him, I am reminded once more about just how much work I am consumed in. There never seems to be relief or assuring words about where I was whenever we talk. And I recognized that this week definitely could have gone better. Yet despite all the crap I’ve had to put up with this week, I haven’t felt defeated.
I just read Andrew’s Facebook note about his experience at fall retreat. All the time that I’ve known him, he was never one to be caught up with that “spiritual high” feeling at retreats. I know his faith is deep and his faith is real, but many times it just doesn’t translate over. To be quite frank, Andrew is probably one of the only few people inside our EM (no longer YG cause he’s in college now, sniff sniff) that I can really trust and confide in. And although I understand his taste is not to go to these different Christian events and stuff like that, sometimes I wish he would be a little more hyped about it. So, as I read his note about how a bear evangelized to him at this fall retreat, I couldn’t stop myself from smiling ear to ear. As much as I patronize him (yes, ok, sometimes I DO, just a little. Not always), reading this note made me really miss him. But knowing how much he is learning about God despite being on his own makes me extremely joyful.
And I guess that’s what my final point is. Throughout this week, as ridiculous as it was, I haven’t lost joy yet. Yes, I was unhappy and frustrated many times, but by the end of the day most of that would wash over. I’m still dealing with a lot of junk, I don’t deny that, but there’s some sort of irony that comes with this joy. It should be illegal to be in this much work and still have THIS MUCH joy. But like the God He is, His will will prevail (haha, try reading that 5 times faster). Last night at Jeff’s music conference thing, the pastor said something that really spoke to my heart. “You may not be good enough for tomorrow, but you’re good enough for today”. I can freak out all I want about what’s to come, but when it comes to being in that moment, I know that the world has nothing on me because I am His.
So to the one who has been trying to defeat me with all these worries: everlasting joy is so much better than moments of happiness. So. Much. Better. You can run and tell that. Homeboy.