No one else knows my heart like You do

There are moments when God gives me His eyes to see the world, and as much as it has been a blessing, it’s also made me hurt for God more. I don’t understand why He chooses to let me see these things, because I can’t really seem to do much in response. I defy my own logic a lot of times. When someone has wronged me or hurt me, I feel victimized and start to list out all the reasons why I feel upset: I am trying to help you see the truth, why do you keep putting up this wall?; I am trying to prevent you from hurting yourself, and others furthermore, and you can’t seem to understand that; I want to help you find release, so that we can go through life together. These are questions that I have wanted to ask many of the friends in my life who I have had “unpleasant times” with. Every time I feel victimized and misunderstood, every time I find myself saying, “God, so THIS is how You felt, what You saw.”

And then my heart begins to hurt even more because I immediately identified with the same people who have wronged me. I am no longer the victim, I am the accuser. But then what the heck do I do with this new epiphany? I can’t help my friends anymore because they have walked away or gone too far; I can’t help myself because I just realized that I need help myself; and I clearly can’t help to ease God’s hurt, I’m human.

But then something else happens again. Just as quickly as I felt hurt for God, I am ever so awestruck by the thing He did to save us despite the many times we offended Him. It sounds cliche, but it’s only that way because it’s the truth. God knew that the story couldn’t end with us just walking away and hurting ourselves more, so He took it upon Himself to bring us salvation. That is the beauty of it all. Like I mentioned before, Starfield’s album still holds one of my favorite phrases, “Beauty in the Broken”.

Sometimes in the midst of all the hurt and pain, I cry because a)I think it’s healthy to have a good crying session every once in a while and b) I feel hurt for the things that others did, or didn’t do. I turn myself into the victim. And then I see it through God’s eyes, and now He is the victim, I am convicted of the sins that I did and will do, and then I cry even more, for my remorse and for Him. Then I am reminded that there is no need for tears because all costs have been paid, and I become in awe of the wondrous grace and love, and then I cry some more; until the clock closes in to 2AM, and by now I have fallen asleep in fatigue, comfort, love, hope, and faith.

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