Dear God,

I feel like I haven’t spent as much time as I should have really just sitting in Your presence, and I’m to blame for that. It seems that the only time I remember to “pray” is when I’m left alone with my thoughts in the shower. There has been so many things on my mind lately, and mentally reciting the list of prayer request is actually a bit exhausting. Prayer is no joke, it’s a pretty damn serious job, especially once you realize how many things you really have to pray for/about. So here goes my attempt to sum up all the little things I’ve prayed to You for the past week.

There’s this girl I know that really needs a lot of help right now. God, I don’t know what to do with her because I feel like she has put up so many walls in front of her, and the only way to get rid of that is to rip off the bandage. You put us all in this place, and I see this as a huge opportunity and challenge for us, but if we are able to overcome this together, it would be an immense blessing. I feel like she is just going through the motions, and as much as she likes to pretend like she’s all together, she is wayy too freaken easy to read. I’m just really scared that by the time we get to her, we would’ve lost her. And as much as we have to play a part in this, in praying and talking to her and all that other stuff, the rest of the way is all between You and her. God, I just ask that you do it gently, restore her the way you’ve pieced me together.

UR Theme. We were supposed to pray about this. I totally forgot, I’ll admit. God, as much as I want to be a part of this, I just feel like I can’t keep taking the lead. I’m tired of taking the lead all the time, or assuming the lead somehow. As much as I’d hate to say this, I really don’t want to be like Jon. It’s not fair for me to ask You of this just once and to expect an answer right away, but I pray that You will plant a seed in ONE OF US so that we can plan according to Your will.

NK&SK. Enough said. They are all Your children. It must break Your heart to see such things happening. But I mean this is what happens when there’s sin in the world. You know how every time You show me something, it makes me understand a little bit more of Your heart. Even after that God, I sometimes still never understand how to move on, I only know what it feels like to hurt more for You. So I pray that in the midst of all this war, You will SOMEHOW show someone Your truth through all the pain and loss.

There’s this other kid in YG that I sort of have to take care of. God, in all honesty, as much as I want to help her by swapping him over, I really don’t want to deal with him. God, it has never been fair for me to use this against problems, but I have paid my dues to them. This isn’t the way to serve, but I just feel like the more I immerse myself in things, my heart will continue to stay this way. It feels like after we watched the other one walk away, he came out of nowhere as if he was the next level. God, so many people need to be broken, but I can’t be the one to literally break them. Yet at the same time, I can’t just stand by watching them go through the motions mindlessly.

Colleges, colleges, colleges. God to be honest, I don’t really care anymore. I have a to-do list every day, and clearly mom thinks I’m involved in too many things. Why do I do this to myself? I think it’s because I know that the only way for me to actually allow myself to fully trust You without hesitation is to put myself into these impossible situations where I have no other choice BUT to trust in You. God whatever You have in store for me, I know You’re holding onto me, so I don’t worry. The only thing is, as much as I feel like I know the ending to everything, there’s a hesitation to go through with the actions. I don’t fear how Seekers will turn out because I know that no matter what happens, You have the ending planned out for us; I don’t fear where I will be next year, because I know that wherever I end up, You will follow lead me; I don’t fear for what will happen at church because I know that You will somehow magically provide. It’s just that when I see the mountains and anticipate the challenge, I freak out and I don’t want to climb it, I want to be on the other side.

God, I haven’t cried in a really long time and I really want to.

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