I ask myself that question almost every single day, and with everything that I do. At the end of the day, do my works satisfy what’s really in my heart? I’m a pretty busy person, and I’ve known this for a while. Whether I intentionally make it so, I will never really know. My first screename from third grade reads “aznbzyperson”. I remember Sunroot once messaged me out of the blue saying, “You are so young? What can you possibly be busy with?” Honestly, I have no answer that will really satisfy, but I just know this to be true: I. Am. Always. Busy. Sometimes it feels like I leave no room for personal feelings to get in the way of doing work, and I detach myself from things that would otherwise consume my energy. As I was talking to Austin the other day, he also brought up this point to me. I really appreciate people pointing things out to me and keeping me accountable, but I feel like most of their words haven’t really reached beyond.
Everyone seems to have a single source of “drama”, but I am constantly feeling pressed from all directions. First of all, there’s church, more specifically, my father’s (and Father’s) church. I take things that happen personally, even though I may not be directly involved, but because it involves my dad, I take it to be a personal burden as well. Then there’s Seekers, which is something I am trying my best to pass off to the others instead of trying to be everything all the time. Well, there is actually a lot of other things that I can continue listing, but I don’t think that will do this any good anyways.
I currently have 8 tabs open, and no, tumblr or Facebook is not one of them. I stick post-it notes to myself everywhere. I love post-it notes. I even carry them with me so I can stick them on my books in the case that I suddenly remember something during the day. Moments ago, Matthew 11:28 subtly made its way into my head.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Normally, this is something that I would think about when I am drowning in work. Which seems like all the time.
I think the worst part of it all, is that there are people who constantly need prayer. Once I realize just how much praying I actually need to do, I am overwhelmed. I just learned about two deaths in friends’ families within the span of an hour today. It reminded me of a couple months ago, when my family attended 4-5 funerals in the span of 2 weeks for church members or their relatives. Then there are those who I feel burdened for their pain, they need prayer too. And so does my own family. So do the friends that I am trying to reach out to. Then finally, lastly, there is me.
Sometimes I doubt God’s goodness in specific areas. Yes, I have experienced the light of having your burdens lifted, and I don’t think I’ve ever walked the same way after finishing Max Lucado’s Traveling Light. Yet each time I feel completely helpless to the world around me, or am at a loss of response, I am appalled by God’s timing and the way He chooses to make our lives work. I still find the most comfort in Tim Be Told’s “Lament”
You say you are jealous, You say you are kind, but the jealous part seems to win all the time
If You’re so mighty, then why to you break, the weak and the weary, and steal what they make
But I’m starting to feel like these words just don’t cut it for me anymore. Hope used to be such a beautiful thing to me. I mean it still is. But something feels so empty, yet at the same time, I’ve never experienced God’s grace like any other time before.
It is extremely frustrating to write the same To-do list everyday. It is extremely frustrating to ALWAYS have to make a to-do list so I don’t make myself go insane. And many times as I’m penning the items, I would find myself asking, “WHY?” Is it worth putting myself through all this trouble for colleges? Is it worth sacrificing resting time to do a reading assignment? Is it worth taking 5 minutes to type up yet another message/e-mail informing others what they should already know anyways but choose not to keep themselves in check? Is it worth my heart and energy trying to pray for the people who desperately need God? Is it worth all the heartache to make matters that happen inside father’s church a personal matter in order to help him ease the load? Is it worth being apathetic to the things that happen around me because I can’t afford to waste time on “emotions”? Is it worth pulling past 2AM everyday to be prepared for OTHERS, so that tomorrow, we won’t panic when we find ourselves unprepared? Is it worth that stupid regents diploma to polish all my homework at this point? Is it worth making myself go through rigorous training if I’m not even going to be a starting player this year?
I can’t find a release anymore. I don’t feel things being pressed at my insides, but I feel things wanting to come out. I sit here, and I find myself feeling numb yet so alive. I yearn to abandon this life and start again from my birthplace, but I don’t have the heart to leave. I’m not busy enough to leave God out of the picture, but work all tend to come with company.
Is this all worth it? I know, yes. But really, when you think about it, is it?