Leading up to the season of prom, I began talking to several of my friends about relationships and scandalous couples (or super adorable ones). In the process, I actually discovered quite a bit about myself, and some of it was no less than a painful discovery. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m too selfish of a person to handle certain friendships, let alone a relationship. It started in the days before our Jesus Day, when one of the only few people who actually give me accountability just straight up told me that I was a perfectionist. I guess I never really saw things in that light, but I always felt like I either wanted or had to do everything. Why did I want to take on all the task by myself? Simple, apparently only I know how it should appear. PERFECTIONIST.
It sort of took me by surprise, but in a very humbling way, it made me shut up and realize how much more I still need to grow. Then it started to dawn on me that while it was a surprising revelation, it was still quite true. When I first planned for the hangout after MTS, I was told that “we always do what you want!” Well, in my defense, if there’s something I want to do, I really could care less if I do it alone or if a giant mob tags along, because I’m going there with or without company. Whoa, oops. I guess certain friends had no choice but to follow.
Without getting too deep into the relationship side of the issue, through certain chain of events I have learned that I am simply too selfish to handle one. The truth is, I keep a safe distance from most people, where I can be a good friend, but am comfortable enough to retreat away when I feel like I need or want to. As much as I would like to believe I’ve changed, my personal bubble is still there. The thought of having to compromise for someone because I love them, deeply and genuinely is actually a bit terrifying. Not that I don’t love my friends or have never sacrificed for them, but I make my sacrifices sound so much more than what they really are, and then I contrast that with the way they treat me. It’s easy to victimize myself, to not say a single word to anybody but always view myself as the “bigger person” for quietly making those sacrifices.
Well, as it turns out, God wants me to learn more than just about how to rest, He also wants to teach me about selflessness.
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