Note: Original post written 4/26/2012
Contrary to popular beliefs (by whom, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just generalizing), I actually do struggle from time to time with self-worth. I know my identity is in Christ, and that it should be enough. But there are days when I go to the gym and feel like a weakling; mornings when I look into the mirror and think of ways to cover the imperfections before me; times when instead of being encouraged by watching my peers’ work I discover how much I actually suck; mealtimes when I gather my lonesome self and fade into the corner; and moments in my writing when I realize how verbally inadequate I really am. I do think I’ve handled it fairly well thus far, most of the time it’s easy for me to just disregard those intrinsic natures, but from time to time I’m reminded of how broken I am as an individual, and how broken this faith is. As my freshmen year comes to a close in 15 more days, I was asked a question that had me thinking about my faith again. At the end of Evensong, I paired up with a friend to share, and he asked me how I felt struggles in my faith on campus versus at home were different. The easy answer would be that I had an established network of accountability at home and that I didn’t have that here. But a bigger epiphany for me was to realize how much internal battle actually exists.
For reasons unknown to me, I’ve developed a slightly masochistic nature to convince myself that it’s the only way to force me to relinquish all controls to God, yet a little part of me gets a kick out of my self-deprecation. I tell my friends I prefer solitude in hopes that they will secretly pity me and invite me to belong somewhere; I drown myself with academics in hopes that I will actually discover something I am good at. Everything the Christian faith has ever taught me is how unworthy I am to be living a life full of the amount of blessings I’ve been given. Yet still, I sing praises to the God who is, and feel good about time well spent, alone. While I find that yes, I still struggle with self-worth more than I care to show, I can live each day in light of how much better life actually is because I have Christ.