Ever since I came home I have been discovering the heartaches and ridiculousness that we as humans all cause upon one another. For months I’ve been asking one question only, “How the f**k did we get here?” I know there is a problem somewhere, an inability to communicate peacefully, the inability to see eye to eye. I know there is a problem, I just don’t know what exactly it is and how it can be fixed. Through all the laundry list of things I have encountered, I continue to ask God why He still haven’t come for us yet. Why are we all still here, continuously destroying each other’s relationship with our words and actions. Of course, this continues to shed light on the immense love and grace this God extended to us. In my opinion, it was a completely idiotic thing to do, to allow something as poisonous as us human beings to exist on this earth, but I guess that’s why I’m not God.
We have incredibly unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of each other, and somewhere along the way because of that, people are hurt. Let’s face it, humans, as a whole, are pathetic creatures. I know pathetic people in the world, and so do you. Yet we’re still living and breathing; still able to enjoy the zest of the gourmet meal in front of us, still able to see colors in rainbow and hear nature’s symphony. Through it all, I still find myself so drawn to brokenness, because I still believe with all my heart that the most beautiful things surface through it. But along with that is the absurdity I put myself through in order to be at the other side. I love the feeling of rising out of the ashes, but first someone or something has to get burned. This is why I’m convinced of my masochistic nature, of the utter ridiculousness I create and put myself through, all for that moment which makes me feel “whole” and “complete.”
We expect people to communicate amicably on all matters; we expect our lives to be great and wonderful as long as we follow “what our heart tells us”; we expect pastors’ families to be a golden trophy, well I can tell you first hand that’s crap. If there’s anything I’ve learned through this ordeal, it’s that our unrealistic expectations create brokenness as much as it creates hope. I am the biggest advocate for both of those things, but this is the first time I’m seeing them work against each other. I can’t complain very much to God about it, because I did at some point specifically pray that if He was going to break me, to crush me into pieces. That seemed like a good idea then, now, I’m not so sure. I’ve come to a place where I’m at an utter loss for words and ability to discern if I’m actually doing more harm than good.
It would be easier for all of us, if God just called it a day on this generation and fulfill every prophecy that’s ever written. It would be easier, I won’t lie, and it might even seem more humane. Yet every time I come into writing one of these pieces with full intention of plowing through and letting the world have a piece of my mind, I am always diminished into a defenseless girl, once again acknowledging that my words have no place in comparison to what our God has done and IS doing for us.
My point is, aren’t we all playing for the same team anyways? What happened to cause the division and unhappiness? Are we really that selfish?