Sometimes I am asked why and how I’m so positive all the time. Between the amount of pep talks I give myself and how I handle losses and failures, I always think about and prepare for the worse, but I leave no room to take “no” for an answer. Part of me is amused by my own determination sometimes, and it does lead me to question how I’m even doing all this. While I recognize that none of this is merely of my own doing, the only explanation I have ever given is that I simply cannot do it any other way. Hope is the only choice I have.
Those who know me well have heard me rant about how my cynicism often drives my faith. Many times I wonder if I would even be a follower of Christ today if I didn’t grow up in a Christian household. Though my thought processes and experiences points to a resounding “No”, I cannot imagine what life would be like apart from the freedom and hope only Christ can give. The short-handed version is that basically like everyone else, I see all the crap in this world. I wish I had a better explanation to it than, “Well, you see, Satan rules the earth and likes to mess with people. And sometimes God allows that to happen.” It really doesn’t take long to come up with a list of all the things that are wrong with this world. But how SAD of a life is that? If this is how we all live, what is the point?
And this is where the turnaround happens. My heart and mind is sometimes so overwhelmed by the brokenness in this world that the only way for me to continue living is to tell myself that there’s a better ending out there. So no matter how much the odds are stacked against me, I still do it. If I fail, so be it, it was never mine to claim in the first place. I have discovered that it makes me so much more capable and confident in taking on impossible tasks, things that I know it is only with the help of Christ that I can accomplish. Sometimes it makes me feel slightly masochistic that I like to drive myself into these corners and deny the affects of it until it consumes me. But as long as I reach for the light, I know that my feet will keep taking me further and further.