Rain it down on us

You know you’re serious about competition when you practice in the rain. Although it was not the most pleasant practice, there’s something about playing in the rain that makes you come alive. So instead of going to yet another going away party for Tina Koo (seriously, she’s not leaving us for good, at least let’s hope not!), I opted to spend my rainy afternoon with people who have nothing better to do than playing softball. I’ve used the word “rain” one too many times in this opening paragraph, and it sort of bothers me because it disrupts the flow of my words.

The other day I found my sketchbook around the room, and it made me miss getting pencil stains on my left hand. In service this morning, I spent most of the time half-listening, and half-sketching in my book. On occasions when I heard something worth taking note of, I jotted it down, but for the most part I was just sitting there drawing. I’m not exactly sure what my intentions are with this hobby. I’ve thought about working on a portfolio for the longest time now, I remember how excited I was months back when Alice Lee told me she would help me build my portfolio. But for what? Sometimes I feel like I’m running aimlessly into my future, actually, ‘aimlessly’ is an understatement. I am just so drawn to so many different aspects of different things, that a lot of times it becomes difficult to just settle and be satisfied with one. I still go through my sketchbook from time to time, but I always wondered what I would accomplish by building a portfolio. Sometimes I look at other people’s work, and while it’s true that they’ve had more experience and training than I have, I find myself thinking “What’s the point?”

On the car ride to church this morning, my mom told me and my brother that we should be driven for our future and what we’re going to do. Although I feel like I’ve voiced my opinion many times to her, it never gets it through her head that I was serious about it. She told me that Jeff studied  in too broad of a field and that now it’s become difficult for him to find a job. JF reminded her that when he wanted to do music, they told him it was hard-living. Although JF has held several (ok, maybe just one) jobs with something related to his majors, I can see that his passion isn’t really there. I always thought that the reason why he didn’t attend Emerson for audio production was because of the tuition. Now I’m starting to wonder if there was something else also. I remember we once had a conversation about the hopes and dreams we had for our future, and he’s still very firm on wanting to do audio production. He has had quite some experience doing that also, yet at the same time it feels like he hasn’t gone far.

This made me wonder about what my reception would be once I get into the process of applying for colleges. I know it’s something that I really shouldn’t stress myself over, and I know that in the end, my parents will support me no matter what I choose. However, it seems to me like a part of them is reluctant to accept the fact that what they may have wanted for our lives is not what we wanted. I’ve explained it time and time again; I understand the benefits that comes with having a license, particularly in medicine or pharmacy or PA or whatever else. I’ve tried to make myself interested in that, and I’ve tried to look on the bright side, but my heart just isn’t there. I know doing film production/communications isn’t the most practical thing ever, but it just feels right.

All I know is that when the day comes for me to choose a college, I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do.