Most people who have spend sufficient time talking with me will know what I think about love&relationships at this point. It’s pretty clear to me that I am somewhat cynical when it comes to that subject. Whether it’s from the experiences I watch my friends torture themselves through, or my conservative Christian self speaking, or if it’s just a personal defense mechanism, I will never know. I pity people who desperately run around with their hearts hanging on their sleeves, people who willingly make themselves believe that love is like what we see in the media. This world has lost the art of dating; in the modern age, “dating” automatically means relationship, and perhaps that’s also another thing that feeds my cynicism.
People who know me well also know that I love solitude, always have. In the past, it has always offered me the most peace, the most comfort when there was nowhere else to run. God met me in His infinite might in the stillness, and so I am wired to constantly want to be alone. However, there are times when solitude just doesn’t cut it, because it lacks something essential: physical companionship.
It’s moments like these that I understand why people are so desperate to fill that void. I have a void too, and I hate it. I have spent years closing myself off and keeping my distant with others and their drama. In Sam’s world, unless it directly involves or upsets me, it is not my problem. As much as I let people in, I have never really allowed myself to be vulnerable to the type of love where it scares the crap out of me how much the other person really wants to know me. I am fine with it when it’s just me and the Big Guy Upstairs, but bring a third party in and I will run off scrambling with the six thousand levels of walls guarding my heart.
I often work by myself, I honestly prefer it that way. There are times when I wish others would offer their companion, but instead I would always find my silenced heart screaming from the pain of being alone. I’ve had issues trusting people, and fear of “abandonment”, if you can even call it that. I find that the void I feel in my heart sometimes is there because I am always looking to run. I understand that my permanent companion will not appear in my life until much later on, and I am fine with that. But I think the reason why I feel the void is because I have a hard time loving others; I don’t have a problem with feeling love. In my heart, there’s no room for other people. And it pains me incredibly to know about my selfish manners. The biggest challenge I have seen God put before me is learning how to love INTENTIONALLY. Anyone can learn to love when the problems are conveniently in their way, because one way or another, they have to get over it. But I’m talking about intentionally stepping out of that comfort zone to chase after someone’s heart.
The void is there because I have felt God chase me endlessly around this broken world, that feeling of overwhelming love is INCREDIBLE. Whether it is between God, or friends&family, there is no doubt that the overwhelming love is something we all want. Something I wish I had from the desperate people that I pity is their willingness to allow themselves to be hurt in order to find love. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t agree with their course of actions, or even their perspectives. But when was the last time I went to chase after someone’s heart for THEM? In recent conversations, Iris and I always end up talking about boys for some reason. I actually appreciate that, because it gives me a chance to gage at the personalities out there and think about who it really is that I’m choosing to love.
I sat for over six hours in my room multitasking by myself. And although I prayed for patience, strength, and perseverance, like I always do, there was a bottomless, empty pit in my heart that I could not deny. Was I longing for companionship? I think so. But this would not have been a problem if I would just open my eyes to see that I really WASN’T alone, I thought I was because I wanted to talk to specific people. God does belong in that void, and I am not trying to replace Him with something else. But I think part of being able to be fully God-filled, is to be able to do what He has done. God’s desires and redemption of his people will forever be the greatest love story ever written. And I think it’s time that I get my ass off this chair to chase after someone else’s heart and not be afraid of vulnerability.
Love of my life, come get me; I think I am ready.
“The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Father’s broken heart
Tears were filling heaven’s eyes
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were freed and made alive
The day that True Love died, the day that True Love died”
True Love//Phil Wickham