Friend or leader?

The first thing anyone ever teaches you about humility is to not victimize yourself, and view the other as the victim so that you can see things from someone else’s perspective. I try so hard not to, I try to just bite my tongue and let you express your views, and I’m glad that you got to do it, but here’s the truth.

A lot of times I let people stick a knife to my heart so they can feel I’m not on top of their business all the time, and I give them the freedom to be right even when they are wrong. The truth is that I take all the crap because as much as I don’t want it either, I know that no one else will take it, so I compromise my own comfort. There comes a point however, when I start to question if giving you the benefit of the doubt is more harmful than it is good. You’re right, I do not need to look after you at all times, and you’re independent, I see that. But at the same time, you give me no opportunity to point out some things I’m concerned about. I will make no excuse for the ways I’ve failed to show love, and I recognize now that you need a friend more than you need someone to guide you, or at least you think you do. The only issue is, I cannot be both your leader and friend at the same time because I have yet to figure out how. I think if you really took the time to look at things for yourself, you will find that I gather all the junk from everyone and I pin it on myself. I make you hate me so that others get the chance to love you. That’s why I take after you as a responsibility, because in the end if something happens to you, my heart breaks with yours too. Now that you’re asking for a friend, I will respect that, even if I don’t think that’s what’s best for you, but I do think that’s what you really need right now. So I will shut up and continue to bite my tongue and be your friend, and only your friend.

I just can’t help but feel like I’m back at square one, I mean every time I look at it, this is why I prefer to be in the company of older peers, because I’m not expected to take care of things. I really hate pitying myself like this, but at a certain point, I would have been walking around for way too long with this thing up my heart. The truth is I am not done looking after you because in the end, I am still held accountable for you, how you choose to see that is up to you. But I will say this, at this point I cannot fathom how I will be able to be both to you at the same time, so I will choose to be what you ask of me, a friend. I will shut up and focus only on the things that I have to work on my end, which is showing you more love. But you also have to understand how much this breaks my heart, because if it didn’t, I would not have gotten the guts to open my mouth so that you can make me feel like this.

This is the truth, but because sometimes for me love means taking my own medicine and swallowing the pins and needles, I will take the step for you and be your friend. This probably isn’t how you see it, and I understand that. I am just at the total loss for where to even begin and how to continue. Like you, a lot of times I choose to walk alone, and then I wonder why people leave and why no one is ever there. Love. I think you lack love. But that also means that you need it from somewhere, and I know that you know that God loves you, but in reality, that’s not enough for a human soul. I think I’ve tried everything I can, and at this point the only thing I can do is try your method.

I am not done with you, but I am done doing what I think is the best for you and I’m praying to dear God that I will not live to regret this day. Please stay safe.

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